I Love You But I Don’t Like You

“I love you but I don’t like you right now” - that’s a phrase my mom would use when at her wits end.  Luckily, I never drove her to this, but others certainly have (you know who you are).  It’s only recently I’ve realized the wisdom in that sentiment.  

This past week, our beautiful commonwealth was subjected to yet another media mud fest between our governor and state AG.  This whole situation past the point of ridiculousness sometime last year. I’m just embarrassed that adults can’t work through their issues in a positive way without resorting to Facebook videos, tweets, and selfies.  Yes, I’m talking about grown men who were elected to lead, not teenage girls.  *cough*

For some reason, while mulling this situation over in my head, my mom’s words came back to me: “I love you, but I don’t like you right now.”  

How would this whole situation be different if our elected officials would stop treating each other as opposition?  What would happen, if people would simply start from a place of love. How would the conversation change, if people were to speak to each other like they would a family member or a teammate?  Now, I'm not talking about froo-froo lame love.  I'm talking the kind of love where you can be honest with each other.  The kind of love where you give the other person the benefit of the doubt and work through your issues.  I'm talking full on phileo-level love.

You are my fellow human being.  We’re in this [state/country/world/community/church/school/workplace] together.  We’re on the same team.  I don’t agree with you and you drive me nuts, but I understand you have a reason for [thinking/doing/saying] what you do.  Help me understand. 

Granted, this doesn’t always do the trick.  People who love each other still argue, fight, and fuss.  Sometimes, it still feels like a one sided conversation when the other person isn’t engaged.  But, I’d argue we are much more likely to forgive and listen to those we care about than those we don't.  We’re also more able to laugh at ourselves and each other.  We also are more able to call each other on our respective crap and help each other become better people.

Our state just seems to be a microcosm of the national climate.  We have people in power now that seem to focus on escalating conflict versus working through it.  We have various groups of people who are just as focused at escalation (e.g. Madonna’s consideration of blowing up the White House.  Seriously?  I mean..  seriously??? /insert Material World joke here). 

Social media is FILLED with hate and spite right now.  Complaining, gloating, and baiting.  All because we see the other side as the opposition.  “Those” people want to remove my rights.  “Those people” want to kill babies.  “Those people” refuse to listen to reason (meaning they refuse to agree).

I keep going back to that lesson I learned from my mom.  I can love you without liking you.  I can love you without agreeing with you.

How much could we accomplish for climate change, women’s rights, human dignity, end to violence, compassionate immigration, effective education, and overall public discourse if we just decided to see each other through a lens of love.

What if it's that simple?

Why I’m Not Marching Today

I’d like to march for equality - pay, benefits, and opportunities.  I’d like to march for keeping America inclusive.  I’d like to march for a country that still believes in, and promotes, freedom.  I’d like to march to promote a society that values all people.  I’d like to march to keep America as a global beacon for hope in a world so afraid for its children.

But, I can’t.

Let’s look at https://www.womensmarch.com/principles/ for the 8 Principles of today’s event in DC (and various cities around the world):

• Ending Violence - I’m onboard, but it needs to be holistic, not just an attack on the 2nd Amendment
• LGBTQIA Rights - I’m onboard, as long as religious rights are kept in balance
• Worker’s Rights - I’m onboard, again, balanced along with keeping a healthy economy
• Civil Rights - I’m onboard
• Disability Rights - I’m onboard
• Immigrant Rights - I’m onboard
• Environmental Justice - I’m onboard, as long as we collaborate to find ways to help the environment while keeping businesses viable

And, of course,

• Reproductive Rights - and this is where I fall off the collective uterine soapbox.

Specifically, the site states the following:  “This means open access to safe, legal, affordable abortion and birth control for all people, regardless of income, location or education.“  The march itself is sponsored by and partnered with groups such as Panned Parenthood, #VoteProChoice, Emily’s List and NARAL Pro-Choice America.  Of the speakers, a couple of names popped out as extremely vocal pro-choice advocates.

Essentially, this morning’s activities will be, in part, to promote state funded abortion.  I can’t support this agenda at any level.  I’m not asking you to agree with me, just respect the fact that I have a respect for all life.  

There are so many other issues that I’m on board with here.  I’d like to be able to help give voice to help our communities move forward in a positive direction.  Maybe if abortion was a small slice of the overall agenda, maybe not so big of a deal to join in.  However, most feminist groups (and people) I’ve come across, seem to place “reproductive rights” as a cornerstone issue.  As a matter of fact, it’s the second issue listed in the march’s Unity Principles.

What would happen if I showed up today in a (possibly) emotionally charged situation and started a conversation about being pro-life?  Would I have been welcomed?  Should I have tried it?  In my experience, I often get shut down when the conversation starts, sometimes with hostility.

I’m not much on drama.  I've gotten to the point where I don't really talk about it much in public, face to face.  I just don't want to be attacked.  Instead, I spend my time helping with pro-life organizations, prayer and donations.

With discretion being the better part of valor, I decided it was best NOT to attend any of these marches.  I’m not sure my voice would have been welcomed. And, there’s a certain level of hypocrisy to that.

What the Pro-Life Movement Gets Wrong

What the Pro-Life Movement Gets Wrong

Let me be fully transparent here, I’m a pro-life advocate.  This hasn’t always been the case, but I’ve been for a couple of decades now.  I’m also the person who is considered the opposite of the political average in the group I’m in.  My conservative friends find me more liberal.  My liberal friends find me more conservative.  Me? I find myself just right J

I’m not looking to debate why I’m pro-life at this time.  I just wanted to give you a background on me, and where I’m coming from as you, hopefully, keep reading.  I promise to discuss this in more detail on a future date.

Now, this past weekend, KY politics went a bit sideways with bills passed affecting everything from bathrooms to unions.  One big-ticket item was the 20-week abortion ban.  We have some not so happy, and some happy, Kentuckians right now.  And, to be honest, I wasn’t 100% happy with the bill either (Civil action?  Really???  Thanks Obevin).

I’ve spent the past few days discussing this particular bill mostly with people who identify as pro-choice.

One particular conversation occurred (oddly enough) through an online dating site.  Well, I figured one way to get to know someone is to hit all the taboos upfront, right?

I asked one of the gentlemen what he thought of the past weekend.  He said of republicans, “they want government out of every aspect of their lives except for controlling their women.“  Huh, I know many conservatives and while the former is mostly the case, the latter hasn’t been.

Heading out to lunch with a friend a few days later, I mentioned the conversation.  Her response?  “He’s right”.  Double Huh.

My conservative, pro-life friends aren’t jerks (well, except for a few of you, but I love you anyway).  Why are they painted as women haters?

As I was re-reading the section of the bill that allows for fathers to pursue civil action, it hit me.  Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost sight of a very important person – the mother.  What levelheaded individual would allow for a mother to be sued by the father, especially in cases of coercion and force?  Apparently, our Kentucky Legislature and esteemed governor would.  Entirely the wrong message to send to women.

The pro-life movement dialog that I’ve run across in social media and the news is specifically, and solely, focused on the life of the child.  Not many pro-life advertisements really bring the well being of the mother into the picture (let alone to center stage). 

Women over the course of humanity have gotten a pretty raw deal.  While we’ve been around for millions of years (including our ancestors), we still don’t have equal pay.  We still carry pepper spray and Tasers when we walk alone at night (and sometimes during the day).  We still can’t drink from open containers we’ve left unattended at parties.  We still feel we have to achieve more in order to get the same level of respect.  And, we still receive mixed messages about who and what we should be:

·      ‘You can have everything, but you still better look pretty doing it!’

·      ‘Be a strong woman, but don’t be a bitch!’

·      ‘Be sexually liberated, but don’t be a whore!’

·      ‘Don’t eat animals treated with hormones, but take these pills to mess with your hormones.’

Hell, we’ve only been allowed to vote for less than 100 years.

We women have a lot of pent up anger and frustration. So, yeah, expect us to kick, fight, scratch to keep what we’ve been denied for so long – control of our lives.  This is what we pro-lifers forget when we start our rhetoric.  It’s about more than just the child – there’s another person involved who is completely losing their mind wondering what the hell they are going to do. Her life matters equally.

We need to send the right message to women, and to mothers – we care about you too.  We don’t want to control you; we just don’t want to see a unique person destroyed.  We want to help you as much as the child.  We have entire networks of ministries and organizations just for that purpose.

If we pro-lifers really hope to win the battle against abortion, we need to focus and communicate our entire story of love, hope and options.  We also need to be very clear about what we’re NOT about.  We aren’t about controlling, or limiting, anyone.  As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.  We want everyone to have the chance at reaching his or her full potential – including the unborn.

We also need to stop demonizing pro-choice advocates who are just trying to help women gain and retain control of their lives. While we are focused on the child, they’re just focused on the mother.  We can’t belittle people for that.

In fact, I’d argue we should be working together to help build a world where women feel valued and are able to achieve greatness.  I think we can all agree on that.