You do not deserve forgiveness

I surprise myself sometimes and not always in a good way.

As most of you, I’ve had situations popup where I was either disappointed, saddened, or downright enraged at people and their actions.  Most times, I get over it pretty quickly.  I thought I've become better at it as I’ve gotten older.

Over the course of my life, I learned to accept people for who they are and what they are willing to give.  I can’t change them.  I can’t make them live their life “right” anymore than I can make the sun rise in the west.  I can’t be angry with someone when I know they have problems with the truth.  I can’t be angry when I know they have low self-esteem and act out.  I can, however, adjust my interactions and place boundaries on our relationship.  

I thought I was so smart.  Jesus had a plan for me I didn’t see coming.

I’ve come across a few situations where forgiveness takes longer.  'Longer' as in watching ice freeze in July.  I thought I was so good at this forgiveness thing.  What gives?  In these cases, I found a common thread.

One thing I really have a problem with is lying. I can be friends with anyone.  If you are a Liar McLieFace, at least be honest about the fact you have trouble with the truth.  I will respect you more, I will adjust my own interactions accordingly, and we can move on with life knowing who we are and how we operate.  We won’t be besties, but we won’t be enemies.  No one gets hurt.

If you lie to me about being an honest person, and are so good at it, in fact, that I don’t see it coming until too late…. Just No.  

That odd smell?  That's my new parfum Eau De Bridges Bin Burnt.

When this happens, I get the type of angry where my heart doesn’t want to forgive, especially when I have let you in to my life and made you apart of it.  My brain can make my mouth form the words, but my heart is still giving you the emotional middle finger.  

I'm angry, but why does it take so long to just let it go?

Mowing the lawn, of all things, is when the epiphany hit me.  I finally started to understand the reason.  I can’t let go and forgive you because deep down, I don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven.

Wow, that realization hit me with a ton of bricks.  Little miss goes to Church every week doesn’t think someone is worthy of forgiveness.  Yikes.  Someone grab the holy water and an IV, I'm suffering from spiritual dehydration.

Given it's Easter season (and Divine Mercy), I should take to heart that Jesus died and was resurrected for all people, including the Liar McLieFaces of the world.  Especially, Liar McLieFaces...  I should, but it isn't so easy.  After some introspection, I realized how much this reluctance came back to my own ego.  

I don't like being played for a fool.  I don't like being an idiot.  I got played, therefore you win.  You can't just beat me and walk away unscathed.  I deserve apologies.  I deserve suitable restitution for damages (emotional or otherwise).

Forgiveness is the last move I have in a game I know I've lost. It's the acceptance of the imminent checkmate in this entire emotional chess game.  I don't want to knock down that King and admit I'm a loser.

My forgiveness is the last trophy awarded for your poor behavior.

Screw That.

Whoa, what?  Where did that come from? Talk about unresolved issues.

I've heard "Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself," but never fully internalized it.  Intellectually, yes.  Emotionally, not so much, but I'm starting to get it.

The thing about the Liar McLifeFaces (or Cheater McCheatFaces or whatever X McXFaces) in my life is that they lie/cheat so much, they get really good at moving on. They are capable of letting go because their tendencies force them to become good at it. One lie doesn't work out?  Move on to the next.  People not buying it?  Move on to the next set of people. Stop, drop and roll on to the next mark.

I don't operate this way, it isn't as easy. I don't always know how to just let go of things and move on. I hold on to the truth that I thought I knew.  I become bewildered when the puzzle pieces no longer seem to fit.  I feel stupid because I never saw it coming (or I did and I ignored it, thinking I am paranoid). I feel diminished because no one would treat someone who's "worth it" that way.

I become chained to the hurt and have no idea how to free myself.

Is forgiveness the key to freedom?  Is it the map that leads you out of the darkness of self-doubt and loathing?  Is it the high speed train from Loserville to Kickasston?  Is it the start to the next chess match, one I will hopefully win?  Maybe.

Maybe it isn't about you at all.  Maybe I'm more angry at myself.  Maybe I need to overcome my own ego.

Maybe I'm the one who I need to forgive.