Confessions of a Catholic

One thing many (normal, everyday) Catholics agree on, is how much we don’t like going to confession. Sure, the more pious of you will remind me that the Sacrament of Reconciliation is probably one most important Sacraments of the Church.  Why?  Because it’s the ultimate expression of Jesus’s love for us.  All sins, forgiven - which is why He died on the cross for us.

No sin is too small to be seen, and no sin is too big to go unforgiven.

I intellectually understand this, but emotionally and psychologically, it’s hard for me to fathom at times.  I’ve never been 100% comfortable.  I’ve had some amazing experiences after confessions take place, but it’s hard for me to get through the initial “I don’t want to do this” phase.  It’s almost like running - you start out a race and your legs hurt, you wonder why are you doing this and then somewhere along the way you hit your stride, and you get that runner’s high.  Confession is like that.  Sucks at first, then the spiritual endorphins kick in, then it goes south a little when you get some weird penance that you have to complete.  Overall, you feel great, and are glad you did it and all you can think about is that tasty chocolate milk.

Regardless, I’ve been way overdue, and figured I’d best get my butt to the little wooden box.

When I walked in for confession today, I knew it was going to be one of those times.  One of those times where I would be adding a few more ticky marks to the sin list while waiting.  The line was already long and every person seemed to take about 10 minutes.  Times like these, I wish we had a “5 sins or fewer” confessional lane.  The line took about an hour.  And, while waiting, another priest showed up. At first, I wasn’t sure he was a priest until he walked into the priest half of the other confessional.  Once I got through my “whaaa???”, it was too late, the back half of the line I was in scuttled over filling up his line.

Why was I confused?  Some unsolicited advice for Priests: If you are walking around the sanctuary in your white hooded cassock, please leave the hood down - especially in the south.  People might get the wrong idea...

I finally made it through, and the worst possible scenario presented itself - I had a confessor who was hard of hearing, and I needed to speak loudly.  Not what I wanted to do in a church that was starting to fill up for the vigil mass.  And, to top it off, he was a talker.

Yup, this was going to be one of those times.  All I needed was six words.  I’m on a schedule, I did my thing, people are waiting, absolve me and let’s move through the line.  This confessional needed some increased operational efficiency.

I know, some of you are probably scandalized, but there is a point to this, that I’m getting to...

I’m kneeling there, after I’ve gone through my list of “I’m sorry I’ve been bad”s thinking I may have to interrupt to re-confess my lack of patience with humanity when something amazing happened across my ears.

“God didn’t make us to be robots.”  Seven words.  Not the six I had come for, but the seven I probably needed to hear.

As you may have already guessed in previous writing, I’m not a warm fuzzy emotionally teddy bear kinda gal.  I overlook the emotional, because it is typically messy, inconvenient, not relevant and usually illogical.  Even when it’s my own emotions.

This gets me into trouble.  This gets me into a great deal of trouble.  People usually find me standoffish (or worse) as a result.  And, I don’t always make a good first impression, especially with other women.

It’s tough to hear, but it’s necessary.  I wasn’t made to be a logical, analytical robot. Emotions are a part of our organic, complex, human programming.  I was made to be a living, breathing human being.  I was made to love and to be loved.  Just as we all are.

Yes, this was one of those times - one of those times where I realize the power of the confessional.

Let’s hope I remember that next time in the confessional line.

Dear Fellow Christians

I’m ticked at you too.

I shake my head and pray to God when I see some of your social media posts.  You scream about this being a country built on Christianity.  No, it was a country built on immigrants.  This is a country built on allowing people to believe what they want to believe.  This country was founded on FREEDOM, including religion.  This includes freedoms for agnostics, atheists, Hindus, Muslims, Wiccans, and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Just because things aren’t going the “christian way”, doesn’t change that one iota.

Here’s a history lesson for you - “In God We Trust” wasn’t put on our money until 1861.  Theodore Roosevelt tried to remove it in 1907.  TEDDY ROOSEVELT.  Later in the 1950s it was accepted as our national motto.  We went almost 200 years without it.  Two.  Hundred.  Years.  How on God’s Green Earth did we make it that long???

And, to top it off, “Under God” wasn’t added to the pledge until that same timeframe.

So, I have to ask - why are you so concerned about America being a Christian nation anyways?  Is not our treasures outside of this world?  Are we not called to carry the cross that He did?  Are we not called to be persecuted for His sake?

Are we not called to be apart from this world regardless of the consequences?

People have been martyred for our faith - fed to lions, strung up on poles, beheaded, burned at the stake or beaten.  None of which has happened in the US, at least not to heterosexual, caucasian, male, protestant christians.  Some outside that demographic haven’t been so lucky.  So, maybe you should think about that before getting too uppity about not being able to have a “Christmas” party at a school.

In the end, what are you so afraid of anyway?  The unknown?  Loss of your faith?  Children drifting off to join the CoFSM?  

Doesn’t the phrase “Fear not” show up in the Bible about 87 times?  Matthew 10:31 - “Fear Not, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows.”  

So why are you worrying?  Why are you pushing?  Why are you digging your heels in over a civic government entity? Why create more of a hostile environment for people who are already dealing with a world of hostility?

Yes, I know we are called to conversion and to be His hands and feet. But those hands and feet shouldn't be kicking and slapping people who don’t agree.  We should be the hands and feet that are working the fields, serving the poor and healing the sick.

So stop worrying about something that isn’t of our concern.  America wasn’t founded as a nation “under God” - this is a nation founded against tyranny.

Don’t undo that by making Him a Tyrant.

You do not deserve forgiveness

I surprise myself sometimes and not always in a good way.

As most of you, I’ve had situations popup where I was either disappointed, saddened, or downright enraged at people and their actions.  Most times, I get over it pretty quickly.  I thought I've become better at it as I’ve gotten older.

Over the course of my life, I learned to accept people for who they are and what they are willing to give.  I can’t change them.  I can’t make them live their life “right” anymore than I can make the sun rise in the west.  I can’t be angry with someone when I know they have problems with the truth.  I can’t be angry when I know they have low self-esteem and act out.  I can, however, adjust my interactions and place boundaries on our relationship.  

I thought I was so smart.  Jesus had a plan for me I didn’t see coming.

I’ve come across a few situations where forgiveness takes longer.  'Longer' as in watching ice freeze in July.  I thought I was so good at this forgiveness thing.  What gives?  In these cases, I found a common thread.

One thing I really have a problem with is lying. I can be friends with anyone.  If you are a Liar McLieFace, at least be honest about the fact you have trouble with the truth.  I will respect you more, I will adjust my own interactions accordingly, and we can move on with life knowing who we are and how we operate.  We won’t be besties, but we won’t be enemies.  No one gets hurt.

If you lie to me about being an honest person, and are so good at it, in fact, that I don’t see it coming until too late…. Just No.  

That odd smell?  That's my new parfum Eau De Bridges Bin Burnt.

When this happens, I get the type of angry where my heart doesn’t want to forgive, especially when I have let you in to my life and made you apart of it.  My brain can make my mouth form the words, but my heart is still giving you the emotional middle finger.  

I'm angry, but why does it take so long to just let it go?

Mowing the lawn, of all things, is when the epiphany hit me.  I finally started to understand the reason.  I can’t let go and forgive you because deep down, I don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven.

Wow, that realization hit me with a ton of bricks.  Little miss goes to Church every week doesn’t think someone is worthy of forgiveness.  Yikes.  Someone grab the holy water and an IV, I'm suffering from spiritual dehydration.

Given it's Easter season (and Divine Mercy), I should take to heart that Jesus died and was resurrected for all people, including the Liar McLieFaces of the world.  Especially, Liar McLieFaces...  I should, but it isn't so easy.  After some introspection, I realized how much this reluctance came back to my own ego.  

I don't like being played for a fool.  I don't like being an idiot.  I got played, therefore you win.  You can't just beat me and walk away unscathed.  I deserve apologies.  I deserve suitable restitution for damages (emotional or otherwise).

Forgiveness is the last move I have in a game I know I've lost. It's the acceptance of the imminent checkmate in this entire emotional chess game.  I don't want to knock down that King and admit I'm a loser.

My forgiveness is the last trophy awarded for your poor behavior.

Screw That.

Whoa, what?  Where did that come from? Talk about unresolved issues.

I've heard "Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself," but never fully internalized it.  Intellectually, yes.  Emotionally, not so much, but I'm starting to get it.

The thing about the Liar McLifeFaces (or Cheater McCheatFaces or whatever X McXFaces) in my life is that they lie/cheat so much, they get really good at moving on. They are capable of letting go because their tendencies force them to become good at it. One lie doesn't work out?  Move on to the next.  People not buying it?  Move on to the next set of people. Stop, drop and roll on to the next mark.

I don't operate this way, it isn't as easy. I don't always know how to just let go of things and move on. I hold on to the truth that I thought I knew.  I become bewildered when the puzzle pieces no longer seem to fit.  I feel stupid because I never saw it coming (or I did and I ignored it, thinking I am paranoid). I feel diminished because no one would treat someone who's "worth it" that way.

I become chained to the hurt and have no idea how to free myself.

Is forgiveness the key to freedom?  Is it the map that leads you out of the darkness of self-doubt and loathing?  Is it the high speed train from Loserville to Kickasston?  Is it the start to the next chess match, one I will hopefully win?  Maybe.

Maybe it isn't about you at all.  Maybe I'm more angry at myself.  Maybe I need to overcome my own ego.

Maybe I'm the one who I need to forgive.

The Big Little Lies

***Spoiler Alert*** This week is referring to the book “Big Little Lies” by Liane Moriarty and hits a little on the HBO series based on the book.

Please do not read if you haven’t read, and plan on reading, this book or watch the show.  If you have read, or do not have plans to, then feel free to continue.

I was reviewing my monthly budget a few weeks ago and realized that I had not ever, once, finished an audiobook I had purchased through my Audible account.  I looked into canceling my account and I found out that I’d lose the monthly credits I had built up if I did.  Bummer.

So, as to not “lose” money, I went on a quest to find audio books that I actually thought I might listen to.  I’m more of an “eye” person when it comes to books and my ears typically preferred music, so wasn’t having much luck.  Then, I saw Big Little Lies.

I had seen the ads for the HBO show.  I remember Shailene Woodley running down a beach, Reese Witherspoon with the guy from Parks and Rec (not Chris Pratt, Rob Lowe, or Ron Swanson - it’s the other guy), and Nicole Kidman.  Nicole Kidman!

Aside: I’m not a big fan of Shailene Woodley.  She probably is a wonderful person, but ever since an article on her where she described re-usable feminine hygiene products, I’ve been creeped out and don’t go out of my way to watch her movies.

The TV show has Nicole Kidman and Reese Witherspoon.  It has to be classy, right?  So, I purchased the BLL Audiobook, along with a couple others from different authors. *BOOM* Credits used, time to cancel the account.

I downloaded the audio, and started on my journey to a Sydney suburb with lots of rich white people.  I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it, but I found myself not able to stop listening.  I’d listen while in the shower, in the car, at work (which led to some very bad spelling and poor spreadsheet execution, but I digress).  I even started watching the show before I had finished the book.  

Another side note:  the book is better than the show, unless you want to see Kidman’s boobs, the book doesn’t have those. I believe they may have gotten their own credit at the end of the show.

So what is so compelling about the lives of three suburban Australian mothers?  The story itself was well crafted.  You don’t know who the victim is until the end.  You see the juxtaposition between what actually happened and the recounting of events through the eyes of those around them (throughout the book and show, the story is interrupted by interviews with witnesses).

*Spoilers incoming*

What really got to me was something on a much deeper psychological level.  Each of the three main protagonists were abused in some sort of way and each were in different phases of recovery.  Madeline was the furthest along, Jane’s in the middle, and Celeste really hasn’t started yet.  Their stories, when told together, mainly get to the crux of recovery from abuse.  It also delves into the internal conflict that happens when women are abused.  Some of it, to be honest, was a little scary to me.

Madeline’s husband left her right after their child was born.  He just told her “I can’t do this” and walked out.  She was left to fend for herself and her child.  She put her head down, got a job, raised her daughter.  She eventually met Ed, married and had two more kids.  Her marriage with Ed seems pretty stable (in the book, the show handles her marriage a bit differently).  She still harbors resentment for her ex, who now lives in the neighborhood, is remarried, and is back in his daughter’s life.  Madeline is struggling with the “injustice” of it all.  He’s married, has a beautiful wife, is a doting dad for his new daughter, and his older daughter eventually moves in with him, leaving Madeline behind.

How can someone who was such a complete dick, end up getting the perfect life?  How does that even happen?  Aren’t people supposed to reap what they sow?  How long do we harbor anger? How can someone who wrongs you so completely not have any lasting effects?  Her story focuses on her anger, and the struggle to let it go.

Jane’s pregnancy was the result of a one night stand that morphed into sexual and emotional assault.  The father of her child turned out to be a callous, horrific, mean person.  I won’t go into details of the assault, but he broke her down as emotionally as he did physically.  Jane left law school to have her child, and spent the first few years of his life making ends meet as a bookkeeper, silently worried about whether her son would be genetically predisposed to violence and cruelty.  A running storyline is that her son was accused of choking a girl in class and subsequently bullying her.  She defended him as any mother would, but was also afraid he might have done it.

How do we pick up the emotional pieces once the physical ones are healed?  How long do we let that power linger over us? How long do we harbor fear? How many of us hold on to fears as if they are real tangible things?  Like a poisonous snake we are holding by the head and we’ll get bit if we let go?  Her story is about fear, and the struggle to let it go.

Celeste.  Poor Celeste.  This is the real gut wrench of the book as you slowly come to realize that her perfect marriage is a sham.  He beats her and sometimes she fights back.  She loves him, she feels he loves her.  She thinks about leaving, but realizes she could never love anyone else.  She keeps this to herself, never telling anyone about the abuse.  He never hits her in places where it is obvious, so no one suspects.  Plus, who'd expect such a beautiful couple to have such an ugly secret?  The abuse continues to escalate to a point where she is in bed for several days “sick”.  She then finds out, through one of her twin sons, that her other twin son is the one abusing the little girl at school and not Jane’s son.  She also finds out he has been bullying another girl as well.  All that time, she didn’t think her boys had seen what their father did to her.  She finally realizes that her boys are as affected as she is.

How do you come to grips with reality?  How long to you harbor the lie?  How long do you convince yourself that it’s ok, or will be ok?  How long do we stay in situations that aren’t healthy?  The scariest parts of this book, to me, are the rationalizations Celeste uses to stay.  You don’t get the internal dialogue in the show as you do in the book.  As you read (or listen to it), it makes perfect sense:

• “I escalated it”
• “I should have just walked away”
• “I shouldn’t have said it”
• “I shouldn’t have asked him to do <X>”
• "I have so many things that others don't, I have no right to complain". 

How many times do we say these very same things to ourselves?  Her story focuses on the lie she’s been living, and the struggle to let it go.

I won’t ruin the murder mystery and plot twists only to say that while the story focuses on the lives of Celeste, Jane and Madeline, the other mothers have their own stories.  We get flashes of those stories in how they each react to the events surrounding the murder.  You understand more of their motivations and their own lies that they’ve been living - e.g. Tough Renata’s marriage has its own issues and mellow-tree-hugging Bonnie is fighting her own demons.

This was such a good book. Frightening, but good.  If you don't plan on reading it, please reconsider.  If nothing else, maybe you can learn the spot the big little lies your loved ones might be telling you (or you might be telling yourself).

Between Cephas and a Hard Place

Seems hard to be a Christian these days.  More and more, our culture looks at the majority of us as out of touch or, even worse, crazy looney birds chasing the Flying Spaghetti Monster hellbent on destroying civilization in our wake.  I’m exaggerating a bit on the second part, but not by much. 

I can’t do much other than to love, lead by example, and pray. I can also try to explain why Christians (or at least Catholics) do and say the things that seem crazy.

One big cause of friction between Catholics and culture, I’d argue, is the concept of moral culpability.  I tried explaining this concept to a few folks during the Kim Davis debacle about a year or so ago.  People were arguing that “she’s not getting married why should she care?”  I tried to describe how moral culpability may be coming in to play, but it mainly fell on deaf ears.  I just got a few eye-rolls, scoffs, and a sense that I was just placed on the idiot list.

I’d like to try discussing that topic again to help give people an idea of why Catholics take the stances that they do when it seems it's ”nun” of their business.

Most of Catholic theology (from a high level) comes down to the nature of 3 things: God, Humans, and Sin.

The nature of God is pretty well documented.  God is Omnipowerful, Omniscient, and Omnipresent.  God exists outside of time.  God is perfect, without sin, and doesn't err.

The nature of humans doesn’t get as much fanfare.  Humans (both male and female) were created by God, in his own image, with an intrinsic purpose.  Humans were created to be both in communion/relationship with God as much as they were made to be in communion with each other.  

Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.” 

Hebrews 10:25: “not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

There are certainly other passages, but I only included a couple to indicate that humanity’s relationship is not just a vertical one with God, but also a horizontal relationship with each other.  God encourages this worldly communion.

The nature of sin is where things get interesting.  From a Catholic perspective, sin and evil are not necessarily synonymous.  It’s more akin to the “an elm is a tree, but a tree is not necessarily an elm” analogy.  Something can be evil, but it doesn’t mean that it is sinful.  Sins are always evil.

Essentially, a sin is an act that harms one’s relationship with God and/or harms someone else’s relationship with God.  By knowingly committing an evil act against God, or another person, one commits sin.  Sin comes in two flavors, venial and mortal.  Venial sins are the smaller ones - not meaning they aren’t serious, as one’s soul can die a death from a thousand venial cuts.  Mortal sins are the ones that completely cut us off from God and hopes for an afterlife.

A mortal sin has 3 criteria:  The situation must be grave matter (something very important), the “doer” must be mentally capable and understand the evil in what’s being done (know it's wrong), and the “doer” must have free will in committing the act (do it anyway).  

When we talk about moral culpability, it comes from the idea that we aren’t just responsible for what we do as individuals.  We are also responsible for acts that enable someone to commit their own sins.  This is the friction between our faith and our culture here in the US.

Unlike Cain’s interpretation (Gen 4:9), we are called to be our “brother’s keeper” as a result of our communal relationship with God.  We are called to help not just ourselves to a better life more faithful life, but others as well.  We are called to be good stewards, to be lights, and to live the example (granted, we fail… often… I think I sinned 5 times just during writing this blog tonight).  This is the crux of moral culpability.  We carry consequences for sins we enable.

Abortion (sorry, this is just an easy example to use) is considered a very grave evil. I can’t participate materially or politically in any activities that enable abortion.  To participate (either through paying, driving someone to the clinic, performing one, etc), I’m committing a mortal sin even if I'm not the one having it.  I’ve enabled and/or encouraged someone to do something that I know is intrinsically evil.

This is usually where I get the scoffs.  And, if you are scoffing at me right now, I’d ask you to think about criminal law.  If I know someone is going to rob a bank, and they ask me for a ride there and back home, will I be charged for a crime?  Yes, I will (assuming I get caught!).  We have laws against aiding and abetting.  If I can be found liable for a criminal act, is it stretch to understand how aiding in sin can bring moral consequences as well?  It’s the same concept.

If someone you loved was an addict, would you consider it moral to help them get another hit of heroin? My guess is that you answered “no”. Same idea.

Personally, I know it’s hard to tell someone you love that “No, I’m not going to help you do that” or “No, I can’t give you my blessing on this.”  I’ve lived it.  I hate it, because I know these can (and do) lead to broken relationships.  People just want to hear that everything they are doing is ok.  And, that isn't always the case.  As a Catholic, sometimes I'm called to give tough theological love (and to receive it when I'm doing things I shouldn't).

I hope that this sheds some light on why we act the way we do.  It isn't to be mean or nasty.  We aren't here to harsh anyone's mellow on purpose.  We get stuck sometimes trying to balance our faith and our place in the world.  We realize sometimes we come off pedantic or sound like a broken record.  We get as frustrated as anyone.  We don't want to be the buzzkills, but we can't shy away from who we are (or who we ultimately belong to).  

If you run into us in one of these situations, and we seem frustrated, just try to cut us some slack.  We really are caught between a Cephas and a hard place.