Why do you need to know this?

I just want to live my life.  I don’t want to talk about things with people when I feel it has absolutely no bearing on anything.  There are things I consider on a “need to know” basis.  Think I’m kidding?  Talk to my mom.  She thinks talking to me is like talking to brick wall that’s been plastered over with concrete and left in a vault at Ft Knox.

For some reason, people feel like they have a right to ask questions.  

An Example: my ear has decided it no longer wants to work appropriately and, as any normal person would do, I went to see the doctor this week at the walk in clinic at work.

I walk in and am handed a clipboard with some pages on it.  “Fill out these pages.”

I start reading through the questions figuring it had to do with past medical history and any meds the doctor should know about.

This is a sampling of what I found across 4 pages.  Yes.  FOUR pages.

• “What’s your level of personal stress?”  Was fine until I got this 4 page survey, of which only 25% dealt with my medical history.
• “What’s your level of stress at your job?” See previous response.
• “Do you have feelings of hopelessness?” I do while filling out this survey.
• “Do you sleep at night?” I may not as I feel my personal privacy has been violated beyond what it needs to be.

Oh, then finally this beauty - 

• “Which response best describes this statement: My partners and I use condoms: [Always], [Occasionally], [in monogamous relationship], or [Not having sex/does not apply]?”

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY EAR?!   What does ANY OF THIS have to do with my ear?

PSA:  If sex has anything to do with your ear YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!! Or, you have some weird fetish thing that I don’t want to know about, but you consider therapy.

On some weird adult level, I get it. People are asking questions to make sure they are looking out for me.  But, I’m a grown ass adult. I’m just here for my ear, not a gynecological exam.

I’m not in pain, I'm not bleeding.  I’m not dizzy, lightheaded, or otherwise think I’m Marie Antoinette (but I do believe in eating cake).

Just stick the lighty-thing in my ear, tell me it's an infection (or some weird wax buildup), and let me know what I need to do to make it better. 

That’s all I need.

It’s all you should need, too.

Dear California,

I see you’ve made a decision not to join us for Derby next year, use our convention facilities, or drink our bourbon.  Shame, we will miss you, your wines, movies, Disneyland and Kardashians.  But, ultimately, I understand you feel you need to take a stand against other states who you feel aren’t upholding your views on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  And, I understand that sometimes it isn’t worth waiting for Supreme Court rulings to take care of things, like it did DOMA.

I mean, why wait for due process, when you can use your economic power against smaller states for the good of all the US, right?

THANK YOU for being the proactive, progressive state looking out for those of us who don’t know better.

Without you, I’m not sure how KY will ever recover from such a horrific law as allowing school groups to set membership requirements.  I mean, seriously, removing Jesus from a “Charlie Brown Christmas” program didn’t require such a heavy handed response from Commonwealth leadership.  I mean, it’s not like Christmas has anything to do with Jesus anyways, am I right?  So, why did people get all weird about it and pass such asinine legislation to protect school programs?? #XChristFromChristmas

But, let's be honest, we’re pretty inept here.  I mean, before you spoke up, I hadn’t heard much, if anything on my social media feeds about Senate Bill 17.  It took courage from someone like you to set my Twitter feed ablaze with the fire of righteousness.  Again, thank you.  

You have shown us the light and, apparently, our own laws.  You have given us courage to speak our minds and hearts and to rise up against the injustice that may, or may not, happen in our schools.  We know we aren’t alone here in KY.  We no longer fear the likes of Bevin and McConnell…. All because of YOU.  #slowclap #wipestears

I can’t wait until the next gubernatorial election knowing that you are on our side.  Bevin’s going to be beaten so badly.  I mean, how is he going to recover from this?  If only he’d thrown himself upon your mercy as Mayor Greg Fischer and Mayor Jim Gray did, he may have had a chance.  Now what’s he going base his campaign on?  Standing up to other government entities who would see themselves as the overlords of our small, but precious state?

I can’t wait to see the laughter and sneers from across the Bluegrass as they hear his sure-to-be slogan: “While Kentucky liberals kowtowed to coastal left-wing agendas, Matt Bevin stood up for Kentucky.  Matt Bevin stood up for you.”

What a sad attempt at a campaign slogan, am I right?  I mean, who would fall for that claptrap?  Yeah, this won’t fly at all.  I’m sure all the Democrats will have to do is sit back and let him implode like he did last election.  Errr.. I mean, sit back and watch how Trump imploded… err.. hrrmmm.. wait…Uhhh. Moving on….

Again, I want to to thank the great state of California for being our moral compass and using their stature as the largest state in domestic product, highest number of electoral votes, largest number of House Representatives to push the small, less enlightened states around.  We need are so desperately in need of your leadership and guidance.

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for us next.  What will be your next crusade?  Medicinal Marijuana?  Free abortions for all, even for men - because, you know.. equal rights?  Expanded gun laws?  Giving voting rights back to felons - wait, we’ve already done that.  

I’m so excited I don’t know if I will be able to sleep tonight.

Thanks, California!  You are the Real MVP.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S.  To be on safe side, you may want to start stocking up on yarn now.  I have a bad feeling we may need more hats through 2024.

*random edits*