‘Dis’ Appointment

For those who know the real world me, you know I’ve been dealing with a bad knee issue since late last year.  I had so many plans for 2017 with signing up for two half-marathons, discussing doing a tough mudder with some people from work, USTA tennis and other assorted activities.  Then, my knee went whackadoodle right after Thanksgiving.  Yes, whackadoodle.  There’s no other way to describe it.

I haven’t been able to play tennis, jog or ride a bike (sans recumbent) since then. At points, it’s been practically unbearable and completely debilitating.

I was diagnosed with “arthritis” back in January and told I’d just have to manage the pain (but I did get a nifty shot that helped).  Greeeeeeat.  I was told physical therapy would help, so off I went to meet my out of pocket yearly expenses by February. *cough*

PT got me pretty far, but I'm still not able to run.  I’ve tried spin class and ellipticals, but even after PT, I’ve suffered a knee buckle or two while trying to get my cardio on.  If you are wondering, it is quite hard to look cool while recovering on an elliptical after an event like that.

I’m glad I didn’t completely fall off and end up as the star of the latest viral gym video.  PSA #1: Please don’t gym shame people when weird stuff like this happens.  It's hard enough walking in the door for some people.

I decided to go back to see the Dr, as I’ve hit a plateau.  Can’t just be arthritis if it’s this bad, right?  Basically, I get the same story again.  Just a really bad case of arthritis, nothing can be done, just have to live with it.

I came close to losing my ever loving mind (and he probably thought I did).  This appointment went into a downward spiral.  I had an out of body experience as I listened to my voice get louder and louder.  Not really screaming at him, just my vocal knob kept getting turned up.  Turned up like when you’re at a party and bump into the stereo and don’t realize it and your butt keeps turning up the volume. (And, don’t act like this has never happened to you if you are over the age of 30).

I proceeded to explain to him everything I could no longer do without pain or knee buckling that I could do before the event late in November of last year.  I ended my rant with an eloquent, “I feel like I’m screwed!”

And, he responded as most medical professionals with impeccable bedside manner would, “Yup, you’re pretty much screwed until you are old enough for a knee replacement.”

The “appointment” (which was almost renamed “How I Met My Arresting Officer”) ended in utter defeat.  My appointment was nothing but a ‘dis’appointment.  Also, I may have cried, or there could have been multiple cats in the office causing an allergic response.  I'm going with the latter story, and I'm sticking to it.

Depression set in and I did what any red blooded woman would do at this point.  I headed to the grocery store for Ben & Jerry’s.

I pulled into the Kroger parking lot and sat for a few minutes trying to recover a little bit of cool.  Or, at least, the perception of cool.

I finally walked in and grabbed a cart.  I needed to pick up a few more items to buy along with the B&J’s as buying it alone is code for “I just got dumped”.  I wanted no questions.  I wanted no side-eyes.  I wanted no sympathy.  I wanted a damn functioning knee where I can play tennis again. And, I wanted damn ice cream without judgement.

After picking up a few items, I made my way to the freezer aisle.  I stood there, looking at the pint I had been longing for — Ben & Jerry’s PB&Cookies Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert.  It hit me.  How the hell did I get to this point?

I was a woman on the edge, upset at a bum knee, who was seeking solace in a Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert.  I haven’t been able to eat real ice cream in years.  Well, to be honest, I’ve tried, but I usually end up regretting ever being born.

The absurdity of it all.  I’m upset because I can’t run or play tennis with friends.  I was upset when I realized I couldn’t have ice cream anymore too, but I got over it.

My dad would tell me that the Fair was in August when I'd complain, as a child, about the injustice of it all.  This knee thing sucks, but lots of things suck for lots of different people. I’m no different or any less likely to have disappointments in life.  Things could be much worse.

This appointment was hard to take, but it wasn’t a fatal diagnosis or anywhere close.  Life changes.  There are things I did when I was 15 I can’t do at my current age.  I have to accept that.

Life is like a giant ball.  You can push one side in, but the volume inside doesn’t change.  The other parts of the ball just compensate by pushing out on the other side.  My life isn’t becoming more compact or lossy, it’s just changing.  Like switching to non-dairy “ice cream”.

I’ll be looking at other things to do with my time.  Maybe I'll start walking.  Maybe I’ll try swimming (PSA #2:  I will try to give the Y warning before I arrive so people have the option to evacuate rather than see me in a swimsuit).  Maybe there's something else out there I've not come across just yet.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some non ice-cream ice-cream to eat.

*edited for typo*