We’re all Jon Snow

We know nothing, so we should stop acting like we do.  Yes, I’m talking about you, I’m talking about me, I’m talking about everyone.

I’ve been listening to season 1 of Revisionist History, by Malcolm Gladwell.  Just finished the episodes “Carlos doesn’t remember”, “Food Fight” and “My Little Hundred Million”.  What stood out to me, is how little I understand any of these folks.  I wasn’t a foster kid in an extremely dangerous inner city school, I’m not a rich philanthropist (yet *looks at lottery ticket*), and I’m not an educator.  Each of them face very different problems than what I do on a day to day basis.

As someone with an engineering background, my whole life is about solving problems.  My initial response is to jump in and start working on solutions.  I’m sure many of you have that same trait.  It isn’t a bad thing, but let me throw something in here - problems are complex, especially when dealing with human beings. Socio-economic issues are ever-shifting globs of goo.  They are slippery and sometimes extremely hard to grasp.

When I approach problems, I’m typically approaching it with 1st order information.  That straight forward directly linked information and data.  Issue X affects Y# of people, for Z reasons.  Even if it takes a while to crunch through the data, it’s still straight forward.  But that data isn’t enough, and solutions built as a result aren’t enough either.  This is why it’s important in engineering, or any other development or service role, is to both listen and observe.

Quick story:  Went to my stylist a few weeks ago for a cut/color.  He asked if it would be ok to let one of his understudies (? I’m not sure what they are called.. interns? *shoulder shrug*) to give me a consultation while he watched to give her the experience.  The whole point of the exercise?  Spend time really digging down into what I wanted, what I needed, and to make sure expectations were met.  That first order data point of “I want red” wasn’t enough.  Use examples, build on a common connection point.  Bring over the color swatches to review.  Be concrete to help make the best decision.  Bring your experience and expertise into the discussion to help build a better solution, but make sure it's something that works for the client.

He hit on a very key point.  Can you really solve a problem if you don’t understand those intangible bits of information?  Those non-direct or obvious nuggets of context and understanding?  Knowing and understanding what “red” means to me, is key.  If she went with what she thought of as “red”, I’d probably be in a corner somewhere crying in a fetal position.  You can't talk or describe colors with someone and expect to be on the same page.  You need common experience, you need real concrete examples to connect the internal brain images.

Can you come up with solutions to help impoverished kids do well in school if you've never been "lunch shamed" (or even know what I'm talking about)?

When I look around, I see people problem solving with no idea of what it’s like to survive or be victimized by the problems they are solving.  Men working on women’s policies, rich people discussing lack of insurance, private school parents trying to fix public schools, white people trying to explain racism, young people deciding where old people live, old people complaining that young people need to get a job (and off their lawn), and hippies trying to tell people how to run their businesses.

No wonder things are the way they are right now.  Too many people, with good intentions I’m sure, are developing solutions for problems they’ve never faced in places they’ve never been (or have long since forgotten).  The most egregious is rich people trying to solve poor people's problems.  This just leads to policies that aren't sufficient, which continues the cycle of poverty and lack of opportunities, which continues the lack of understanding at levels where policies get made.

We shouldn't assume we know how to fix someone else's problems.  Maybe we should focus on helping them build better solutions.

We need to remember to dig deep, talk to people who know (or better yet, involve them in the discussion), listen, and remember - you know nothing.

** By the way, I recommend the Revisionist History podcast.

Do Introverts Grieve Enough?

A friend on social media posted (or I should say re-posted) an article from last year on the three types of grief people don’t discuss.  I happened to be taking a 5 min mind break at work, and read it.  I wish I had left it to later in the evening.  If I were smarter, I would have realized that from the title alone.

Sitting there, in my cube, reading 3 Kinds of Grief Nobody Talks About, I had a powerful emotional moment.   One of the kinds where you feel like your bones might break from the weight of it.  

“Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation.”

Attachment.

Separation.

I’m currently going through the process of selling my home, building a new one, and moving into a temporary place.  My whole life for the next few months will be transitional.  I’ve been looking through closets and cupboards purging things that I won’t be taking with me into this new chapter of my life (or even into the interlude before the next chapter).

Occasionally, a level of unexpected emotionality will just hit me. “Pretty soon, I’ll be out of here…. This will be the last time I do <x> here…” 

And then the big whammy, “When I get to the new house, I won’t have any memories of my dad there”.  Cue the waterworks.  I have to remember to take deep breaths and think about puppies.

I remember having similar feelings when my car died and I had to get a new one.  I cried.  I didn’t cry because of the car, I cried because of the memories it represented.  It was the physical manifestation of those memories.  Losing the Batmobile (yes, I called it that in my head), I lost the ability to see and to touch those memories.  Like the memory of pranking my dad by turning on the seat heater in July without him knowing.  I can still see him shifting uncomfortably in the seat.  I finally couldn't hold my laughter in any longer and let him off the hook.  He laughed and was glad nothing was wrong with his "@$$."

I was attached to the car not because I'm materialistic, because of my memories.

I knew what my dad felt sitting in my car or in my house because I was there with him.  I know because I experience the same environment firsthand.  I know this sounds weird.  I could tell that my boyfriend at the time thought I was being weird.  He was smart enough not to verbalize it, but I could tell nonetheless when I said farewell to the Batmobile.

Moving on to new places and things, there’s no connection.  There’s no attachment.  I’m separating myself from what I knew and the life I have lived to create a new type of life.  I’m cutting one cord, and grabbing on to a new one that not everyone I’ve cared about has experienced. I also have no idea if new attachments will be forged.

I already grieved the loss of my dad, as he passed away a few years ago.  But, I never thought about the anxiety I go through during big changes, like I’m going through right now, as a form of grief. That in making these memory attachments to “things” and “places”, I go through yet another grief cycle when those things are gone too. I hate feeling this way.

If you’ve read any of my other bogs, you have probably figured out I’m quite an introvert.  There are days I just want to wear a sign that says “Can’t people today, #SorryNotSorry.”

What are the main traits of introverts?  We live in our heads, we typically aren’t outgoing people, we tend to have a smaller group of friends, and we like being home.  We like controlling our environment.  We limit our attachments to people.

If we have limited attachments, we have less opportunity for separations.

If we control our environment, we have a larger control over the probability of separation.

If you are an introvert.  You suffer less separation.  But when it happens (at least to me) holy !@$!%!.

“Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation.”

Attachment.

Separation.

What if the real reason I’m an introvert, isn’t some random genetic trait?  What if it comes down to one simple thing - the ability, or capacity, to grieve? 

Could I be less socially awkward and introverted, if I simply learned to be more comfortable with the loss of, or change in, relationships?  What if I just need to learn how to be more efficient at the cycle of grief?  Or fear grief less?

Maybe I do need to grieve more, but I sure as hell don't want to....

Symphonic Resonance

I ran across this article, by Mark B. Baer, in Psychology Today that explains the seemingly decoherence of the Left’s reaction to Comey’s tenure and ultimate firing. Essentially, Baer argues that it comes down to context, which is the result of empathy. Empathetic people understand context. Un-empathetic people don’t.

I’m not a big fan of the entire article, as it’s saying anyone who doesn’t understand the left’s reaction to the removal of the FBI director, doesn't understand context and not empathetic. I don’t buy it.

I agree that someone could feel he needed to be fired, and still shocked/worried when it happened. Why? Because this has been going on a for quite a while, and yet when the firing happened, no succession plan was in place. Given current events and probes, this seems rather incompetent and ill-advised. If you are going to make a play, draw it up first and take your team through it.

I also agree that someone could shake their head at someone who calls for a firing, then laments the act when it happens. It comes back to consistency.

Now, the real point of me bringing up this article, is it references this summary (written by Kim Hartman) of the book A Whole New Mind, by Daniel Pink. Yes, I do eventually get to the point. It’s over 10 years old now, but looks to still have some legs.

This book works under the assumption that there are multiple stages in our evolution - efficiency, then facts, and then on to context. And, if your wondering, we’re moving from facts to context at the moment. To be successful, one must go beyond left-brained attitudes focused on micro-attentions on minutia, and move into the realm of right-brained holism. It’s not good enough to just know the things. You need to know why the things.

With the internet, anyone can access any bit of information available within seconds (well, I guess that only goes for about half the world, sadly, as many are still without access, whether due to lack of infrastructure or lack of funds, but that’s a different topic). There’s no value in simply knowing facts anymore. No value in rote memorization.

Quick poll: How many of you, over the age of 30, can recite your parents’ landline phone number? Now, how many of you can recite your best friend’s cellphone number? Or your child’s, or your siblings’, or you boss’s?

There’s no value because everything is at our fingertips - quite literally. So, this idea of moving up to the next layer of intellectual consciousness seems to make sense. What else are we to do with our brains if we no longer need to memorize multiplication tables?

Out of the 6 new “aptitudes” Pink outlines, one stood out to me - “Symphony” (others being design, story, empathy, play and meaning). This was also the section brought out in the aforementioned article. Symphony is the idea of synthesis over analysis. Being someone with an engineering/CompSci background, this piqued my interest. I’ve always believed, at least to this point, that analysis was the end goal and how you synthesized data. I didn't know they were different.

You get your data sets together, you look at them, make a decision and boom - you're off and running. Classic analysis. So, what what is different with "synthesis"? Not quite sure I see the difference just yet. I guess I will have to read the book! Which I will and I will do a classic book report when I'm done!  You.  Are.  Welcome (eventually).

I’m assuming they are essentially two sides of the same coin. Analysis is more passive - you wait to see what the data tells you. Synthesis, however, is active - you take and mold information and data together to create new insights.

Maybe? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Regardless, I absolutely love the terminology used. This visceral idea of a symphonic convergence of information, context and understanding. Looking at the basis of core innovation as a collection of strings, woodwinds, percussion and brass instruments, being conducted into one complete harmonious movement that conveys it’s own deep unique meaning. A group of brass, or percussions alone do provide music, but fail to provide the level of richness that a full symphony does. Singularly focused ideas miss out on some of the nuance and texture that is found when used in a larger context.

Maybe I need to think less singular thoughts and branch out into grand symphonic ideas. Oh, to be such a talented conductor to achieve this very thing!

Maybe I will buy that baton... this symphony thing is resonating with me..

The Not Giving a !@$ Tree

Angry tirade incoming...

The Giving Tree (by Shel Silverstein) would make me cry when I was younger.  The tree was such a heartbreaking tale to me, but I could never quite put my finger on why it affected me so much.  Silverstein was writing a story about the Joy that comes from selfless love.  Why did it make me sad?  When I really started to think about the story as an adult, I started to understand my underlying feelings.  That sadness turned to anger.

I know, a kids book? Anger?  Really?

Let me explain.

Now, interpretations of the story have the tree as a mother or friend.  I'd argue that there could also be a romantic relationship interpretation.  The following can apply in any of the interpretations.

The boy uses the tree.  She wants him with her, so she does everything she can to make him happy.  At first, it's apples.  Then, leaves and branches.  Finally, she gets chopped down leaving her nothing but a stump.  She gave up her essential self as a tree for someone else.  Someone else who didn't seem concerned by the loss of who she was, as long as he got what he wanted.

He never said thank you.  He never said he loved her.  He left her to pursue other women.  He hallowed her out, depriving anyone else of enjoying what she had to offer.  When all she has left is a stump, what does he do?  He sits on her.  He <edited for coarseness> her!  And, she was HAPPY?

This is exactly what is wrong with our society.  We glamorize the wrong kinds of sacrifices and set up the wrong examples of healthy relationships.

We tell little girls that this is what you do in a relationship.  Give until there's nothing left and be happy about it.  Put your happiness in someone else besides yourself.  Follow someone else's purpose for you, not the purpose God has laid out for you.

I do believe that sacrifices are essential parts to living a disciplined, purposeful life. Those sacrifices, however, need to be the right kind.  The kind that help mold you into a better version of yourself and purpose (some might interpret this more as passion, either works).

You sacrifice partying to get through school.  You sacrifice money to spend more quality time with family.  You sacrifice your time taking care of a loved one.  You sacrifice popularity, opportunities, and friendships to do what's right.

There's nothing wrong with sacrifice, as long as it isn't a sacrifice of your core self.

The Giving Tree compromised her essential self by giving everything she had away in order to be happy with just that one boy.  She went from healthy, fruit bearing tree to lifeless stump.

Who considers this healthy life choice?

This is why I get so angry with this book.  People read it to their impressionable children as a "good" story.  It isn't.  Not even close.  I would not want any child of mine to think this is acceptable behavior out of their friends or romantic partners.  Pick people who help you grow, not those who cut you down and strip you bare.

No healthy relationship should require you to sacrifice who you are or your essential purpose in life.  If you find this difficult to understand - I have better things to do and they don't include you.



If I were to rewrite this book? I'd call it The Not Giving-a-@#% Tree.

• Want to have some of my apples?  Fine, don't be greedy and leave some for others.
• Want to swing in my branches?  Fine, just play nice with others.
• Want to build a house?  Fine, build it out of that heifer you are running off with.
• Want a place to sit down? Fine, you can bring a chair or sit your behind down on the grass.
• Want me to be anything else other than a tree?  I don't give a @#%, I'm a tree.  Deal with it.

‘Dis’ Appointment

For those who know the real world me, you know I’ve been dealing with a bad knee issue since late last year.  I had so many plans for 2017 with signing up for two half-marathons, discussing doing a tough mudder with some people from work, USTA tennis and other assorted activities.  Then, my knee went whackadoodle right after Thanksgiving.  Yes, whackadoodle.  There’s no other way to describe it.

I haven’t been able to play tennis, jog or ride a bike (sans recumbent) since then. At points, it’s been practically unbearable and completely debilitating.

I was diagnosed with “arthritis” back in January and told I’d just have to manage the pain (but I did get a nifty shot that helped).  Greeeeeeat.  I was told physical therapy would help, so off I went to meet my out of pocket yearly expenses by February. *cough*

PT got me pretty far, but I'm still not able to run.  I’ve tried spin class and ellipticals, but even after PT, I’ve suffered a knee buckle or two while trying to get my cardio on.  If you are wondering, it is quite hard to look cool while recovering on an elliptical after an event like that.

I’m glad I didn’t completely fall off and end up as the star of the latest viral gym video.  PSA #1: Please don’t gym shame people when weird stuff like this happens.  It's hard enough walking in the door for some people.

I decided to go back to see the Dr, as I’ve hit a plateau.  Can’t just be arthritis if it’s this bad, right?  Basically, I get the same story again.  Just a really bad case of arthritis, nothing can be done, just have to live with it.

I came close to losing my ever loving mind (and he probably thought I did).  This appointment went into a downward spiral.  I had an out of body experience as I listened to my voice get louder and louder.  Not really screaming at him, just my vocal knob kept getting turned up.  Turned up like when you’re at a party and bump into the stereo and don’t realize it and your butt keeps turning up the volume. (And, don’t act like this has never happened to you if you are over the age of 30).

I proceeded to explain to him everything I could no longer do without pain or knee buckling that I could do before the event late in November of last year.  I ended my rant with an eloquent, “I feel like I’m screwed!”

And, he responded as most medical professionals with impeccable bedside manner would, “Yup, you’re pretty much screwed until you are old enough for a knee replacement.”

The “appointment” (which was almost renamed “How I Met My Arresting Officer”) ended in utter defeat.  My appointment was nothing but a ‘dis’appointment.  Also, I may have cried, or there could have been multiple cats in the office causing an allergic response.  I'm going with the latter story, and I'm sticking to it.

Depression set in and I did what any red blooded woman would do at this point.  I headed to the grocery store for Ben & Jerry’s.

I pulled into the Kroger parking lot and sat for a few minutes trying to recover a little bit of cool.  Or, at least, the perception of cool.

I finally walked in and grabbed a cart.  I needed to pick up a few more items to buy along with the B&J’s as buying it alone is code for “I just got dumped”.  I wanted no questions.  I wanted no side-eyes.  I wanted no sympathy.  I wanted a damn functioning knee where I can play tennis again. And, I wanted damn ice cream without judgement.

After picking up a few items, I made my way to the freezer aisle.  I stood there, looking at the pint I had been longing for — Ben & Jerry’s PB&Cookies Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert.  It hit me.  How the hell did I get to this point?

I was a woman on the edge, upset at a bum knee, who was seeking solace in a Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert.  I haven’t been able to eat real ice cream in years.  Well, to be honest, I’ve tried, but I usually end up regretting ever being born.

The absurdity of it all.  I’m upset because I can’t run or play tennis with friends.  I was upset when I realized I couldn’t have ice cream anymore too, but I got over it.

My dad would tell me that the Fair was in August when I'd complain, as a child, about the injustice of it all.  This knee thing sucks, but lots of things suck for lots of different people. I’m no different or any less likely to have disappointments in life.  Things could be much worse.

This appointment was hard to take, but it wasn’t a fatal diagnosis or anywhere close.  Life changes.  There are things I did when I was 15 I can’t do at my current age.  I have to accept that.

Life is like a giant ball.  You can push one side in, but the volume inside doesn’t change.  The other parts of the ball just compensate by pushing out on the other side.  My life isn’t becoming more compact or lossy, it’s just changing.  Like switching to non-dairy “ice cream”.

I’ll be looking at other things to do with my time.  Maybe I'll start walking.  Maybe I’ll try swimming (PSA #2:  I will try to give the Y warning before I arrive so people have the option to evacuate rather than see me in a swimsuit).  Maybe there's something else out there I've not come across just yet.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some non ice-cream ice-cream to eat.

*edited for typo*