The Curious Case of Melinda Gates

Another Melinda Gates article came across my feed this morning with the typically headline “I wouldn’t be where I am without contraception.”  Which is odd, considering the lack of contraception is the reason why she's physically here.  But, I digress.  Her main point, as I understand it, is that unplanned pregnancies are huge financial burdens on women and families. To alleviate the burden, don't have the children.  And, without access to abortifacients and abortions, it's hard not to have the children.

Now, those of you who know me, are probably getting your torches and pitchforks ready, as you are assuming what's going to come out of my mouth and that you already know you aren't going to like it.

Before you flick your Bic to light up the blaze, let me be very clear about something: I don’t believe people who consider themselves pro-choice/pro-contraceptive are bad people.  I understand it comes from a place of pragmatism and an underlying want to help women.  I get it.  I'm not here to cast judgement (for once).

I just want to give a different perspective.  Long term, I believe, pushing this agenda is actually harming not just women, but our society without actually fixing the underlying issue.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had earlier this summer with a young girl.  She told me “I probably won’t have kids.”  Of course, my follow up question was “Why?”  I didn’t ask this to be judgemental, I asked out of curiosity.  Most young girls I’ve spoken to over the course of my life want to be moms in addition to being doctors, lawyers and veterinarians.  The toy market is still filled with baby-flavored dolls and accoutrements.

I’ll admit, one could have a chicken & egg argument at this point regarding what little girls want versus what they are taught to want in toy stores.

“It will interfere with my career.”

*insert jaw drop*

I was a little stunned.  I have friends who have made this decision as adults, and there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with it. I was just shocked that someone so young would even be thinking about the effects of children on one’s career.  Especially since she’s too young to have even know what career she wants.  But, she's a smart kid who has been taught something by society.

When successful women, like Gates, take such public stances, young women (especially girls) are listening.  When friends and parents struggle, they are watching.  What they see and hear comes across as one very scary lesson:  “Children undermine your potential”.  “Having children is bad.”  “If you have kids, you will struggle.”

While I would wish it otherwise, we have a society where this lesson is largely correct for women - exceedingly so for women either in, or just above, poverty.

We've all heard of the gender pay gap.  But, there’s an additional tax if you have kids.  Listening to the The Mommy Tax episode of the podcast Stuff Mom Never told You, I was shocked to hear that mothers are affected by the gender pay gap 5 times that of women without kids.  FIVE TIMES.  Five times on top of the already existing gap.

And, by the way, men with children get a pay raise in comparison to childless men. *cough*

So wages start out lower and/or slow overtime for mothers.  Add in the non-recurring and recurring costs of rearing a child (or children) and you have a recipe for financial crisis, especially if she is single (side note: in 2013 CDC reported 85% of women who had abortions were unmarried).  When pregnancy happens, the woman ends up bearing the responsibility physically, emotionally and financially.  An unplanned pregnancy can push a woman over the edge into the pit of poverty, or dig her another 10 feet deeper into it.

I can agree with Gates that we have a global problem.  I don’t agree with how to address it.  Abortion and abortifacients are one way to cope with the issue, but this seems short sighted.  As I pointed out earlier, this approach seems to propagate the idea that women shouldn’t have kids and their base physiology is harmful to their prosperity.

At this point, you are probably thinking (or, more than likely, eye-rolling), “Well, Miss SmartyPants, what should we be doing?”

Why don’t we start by not placing (or forcing) all the responsibility on women?

Why aren’t we fighting harder for equal pay (especially for mothers)?  Why aren’t we fighting for better work-life labor requirements?  Why aren’t we fighting for paternity leaves that allow women to return to work while fathers stay home?  Why aren't we fighting harder for affordable quality healthcare so that the cost of having and caring for a child isn't a financial death sentence?

Did you know the US Military spends $84M on erectile dysfunction medications, annually? How about redirecting those funds to help continue to level out responsibility - such as more research in male contraception or tracking down deadbeat fathers?  How about removing some of the stigmas surrounding vasectomies?

Yea, I know I've lost a few of my Catholic peeps with that last one, but we have to remember, not everyone is Catholic.

In 2013, we spent $2 BILLION (globally) on male pattern baldness.  Why not provide those funds (or a portion) to global organizations that provide educational opportunities along with child care options in safe spaces?

How about working to create better economies where jobs are available that can provide for families? Or, funding startups run by women (or even men) in crisis?

Through our actions, let's teach our daughters that while motherhood is a life sentence - it isn't a death sentence.

Of Dads and TayTays

I took last week off as I’m just so emotionally drained and fatigued from everything going on in the world right now.  There have been days I’ve just wanted to stay in bed in a fetal position.  Luckily (maybe?), my dad raised my brother and I to get out of bed every morning.  Feel sick?  Get up, take a shower, get dressed and if you still feel bad, then go back to bed. Usually, after going through he motions, might as well go on with the day as planned.

Considering I could probably count on my hand the number of days I saw that man take off form work, he was dead serious.  And yes, I said HAND, not hands.  He had an incredibly hard job.  He worked for a power company which would require him to work on/near boilers in the heat of summer and hydroelectric equipment on the river during the dead of winter.  I look back and I’m amazed at how hard he worked.

While there’s longterm gains of being raised by a man like this, it wasn’t always easy.  I had a list of things I never tried with my dad that other kids would get away with their parents:

1. Backtalk (ok, occasionally, I was his daughter after all), 
2. Complain about how my life is hard
3. Be lazy
4. Cry over spilt milk, anything really (he wasn’t much for whining)

The summation of this is a pretty straight forward life philosophy: don’t sit around and cry about things.  Get your head out of your <edited for content> and go work for it.  Take control of the situation - you have no one to blame but yourself if you found yourself in a bad situation.  Dad was a tough love kinda guy.

Fast forward the numerous years of my life until now.  Holy Guacamole.  I lack sufficient vocabulary to express how I truly feel about this complete and utter <edited for content>show that’s playing out locally and nationally.  How did we break things so badly?

Well, I wasn’t raised to sit around and just complain about things, and about how everyone else should be doing “this” or “that”.  That’s not how I was raised.  However, human interaction really isn’t in my wheelhouse.  Want me to evacuate a build/room fast?  I’d recommend yelling “Unstructured Networking time!” instead of “Fire!”.  No, I’m not joking.  I’d rather burn than make small talk.

No, it isn’t fair that I’m wired this way, but my dad would also say “The Fair’s in August.”  Regardless of how uncomfortable I am, I have to get over it.  My city needs me.  And, truth is, your city needs you too.  *insert cheesy Batman joke here* 

So, over the past few months, I’ve signed up for more volunteer work that places me in very uncomfortable positions (as in emotionally.. not physically.. just to clarify).  I’ve found it draining at times, but I’ve also found it quite exciting.  I’ve even attended a political event this evening.  SHOCKER.  True, I left when “unstructured networking” started, but baby steps, right?  And, I did get to pet a cute puppy on the way back to my car.  Win win, right?

Amazing how happy dogs make happy people.  Cats suck - they are never happy with anything.

I get home tonight, after the aforementioned event and sit down to finish up my blog for this week.  Still feeling frustrated, even with taking steps to try to be a part of the solution rather than the problem.  

The title of Taylor Swift’s new single comes across my feed.  Intrigued, I hopped over to Youtube to give it a full listen. 

“Look What You Made Me Do.”  

This song changed my entire outlook this evening.  Last minute, BAM, complete 180.  I've been playing this song on loop for the past hour.  I'm sure generated enough in royalties for her to buy a new yacht.  I LOVE IT. 

Complete and total summation of everything that has been going on in the dark recesses of my brain.

It's the full truth of what's going on right now, if ever I’ve heard it.

Look what you made me go and do. You’ve gone and made me get active and venture out into humanity.  This will not be forgotten.  This will not be forgiven.

So, Good luck, my Dad and TayTay taught me well.

In Defense of Ashley Judd

Yeah, I didn't see that coming either.

She's taken to social media to complain about being called a term of endearment and being complimented on her dress.  Personally, I'd be happy I didn't get a body cavity search. Regardless, I think it's worthwhile to give a different view on why Ms. Judd may have said what she did.

A few years ago, I spent a few months living in another country.  A country where I was a complete minority.  This white chick stuck out like a sore thumb that had a large pink splint attached to it.

Often, during lunch or dinner, I'd head over to the nearest mall to shop and eat.  Ok, mostly to eat.  Every entrance to the mall had a security checkpoint where bags would get checked.  Every time I'd walk up, the guard would usher me through without checking my bag.  Why?  Because I was a "westerner", some harmless white lady.

While this may seem lucky for me, it made me uneasy.  When it first happened, my initial response was "No, you need to search my bag, too".  It's only fair, right? Why are people being profiled like this? I shouldn't be treated any better than anyone else.  My sense of justice was irked.

Now, I'll admit, I doubt the TSA agent in question meant any harm, and I doubt the person needs to lose their job, but I can see why she felt the way she did.  I can also see why she chose to speak out about it.

You should treat everyone equally, regardless of how they look.  One could argue that Judd was the recipient of a compliment, but taking a stand on something when you are profiting from it speaks even more strongly.

As people of privilege (whether being white, straight, Christian, pretty, thin, male, or any combination of these), we are just as responsible to speak out when we see things that don't meet the ideals of the society we wish to live in.  Too many people are judged, profiled, and limited based on things that don't really matter instead of their character.  We shouldn't stand for it even if we profit - we should feel equally as responsible to fix the ills in our society.

And, to be honest, those of us who profit probably bear an even greater responsibility.

Confessions of a Catholic

One thing many (normal, everyday) Catholics agree on, is how much we don’t like going to confession. Sure, the more pious of you will remind me that the Sacrament of Reconciliation is probably one most important Sacraments of the Church.  Why?  Because it’s the ultimate expression of Jesus’s love for us.  All sins, forgiven - which is why He died on the cross for us.

No sin is too small to be seen, and no sin is too big to go unforgiven.

I intellectually understand this, but emotionally and psychologically, it’s hard for me to fathom at times.  I’ve never been 100% comfortable.  I’ve had some amazing experiences after confessions take place, but it’s hard for me to get through the initial “I don’t want to do this” phase.  It’s almost like running - you start out a race and your legs hurt, you wonder why are you doing this and then somewhere along the way you hit your stride, and you get that runner’s high.  Confession is like that.  Sucks at first, then the spiritual endorphins kick in, then it goes south a little when you get some weird penance that you have to complete.  Overall, you feel great, and are glad you did it and all you can think about is that tasty chocolate milk.

Regardless, I’ve been way overdue, and figured I’d best get my butt to the little wooden box.

When I walked in for confession today, I knew it was going to be one of those times.  One of those times where I would be adding a few more ticky marks to the sin list while waiting.  The line was already long and every person seemed to take about 10 minutes.  Times like these, I wish we had a “5 sins or fewer” confessional lane.  The line took about an hour.  And, while waiting, another priest showed up. At first, I wasn’t sure he was a priest until he walked into the priest half of the other confessional.  Once I got through my “whaaa???”, it was too late, the back half of the line I was in scuttled over filling up his line.

Why was I confused?  Some unsolicited advice for Priests: If you are walking around the sanctuary in your white hooded cassock, please leave the hood down - especially in the south.  People might get the wrong idea...

I finally made it through, and the worst possible scenario presented itself - I had a confessor who was hard of hearing, and I needed to speak loudly.  Not what I wanted to do in a church that was starting to fill up for the vigil mass.  And, to top it off, he was a talker.

Yup, this was going to be one of those times.  All I needed was six words.  I’m on a schedule, I did my thing, people are waiting, absolve me and let’s move through the line.  This confessional needed some increased operational efficiency.

I know, some of you are probably scandalized, but there is a point to this, that I’m getting to...

I’m kneeling there, after I’ve gone through my list of “I’m sorry I’ve been bad”s thinking I may have to interrupt to re-confess my lack of patience with humanity when something amazing happened across my ears.

“God didn’t make us to be robots.”  Seven words.  Not the six I had come for, but the seven I probably needed to hear.

As you may have already guessed in previous writing, I’m not a warm fuzzy emotionally teddy bear kinda gal.  I overlook the emotional, because it is typically messy, inconvenient, not relevant and usually illogical.  Even when it’s my own emotions.

This gets me into trouble.  This gets me into a great deal of trouble.  People usually find me standoffish (or worse) as a result.  And, I don’t always make a good first impression, especially with other women.

It’s tough to hear, but it’s necessary.  I wasn’t made to be a logical, analytical robot. Emotions are a part of our organic, complex, human programming.  I was made to be a living, breathing human being.  I was made to love and to be loved.  Just as we all are.

Yes, this was one of those times - one of those times where I realize the power of the confessional.

Let’s hope I remember that next time in the confessional line.

Letting the Light In

I'm tired this week.  Tired of everything and everyone.  I realize I'm being a big baby, but it doesn't change the fact I've reached a point of personal fatigue.  I could go on about the Boy Scouts, healthcare, Transgender bans, Russian spies, national voter registries, and the loss of Spicey on SNL - but I just can't muster any energy to do so this week.  I just don't want to do it.

So, in leiu of actually doing something productive, I decided to pick up this physical book thingy (which almost weighs as much as my tablet, and doesn't have a quarter of the same functionality *stares incredulously at the lazy book laying there doing nothing*).

Violence Unvieled by Gil Bailie ended up on my reading list due to a few recommendations from my small discipleship group.  Again, I had to buy it in paperback, which is fitting considering the topic concerns the brutality of society and the need for sacrifices with which to appease the masses and bring peace.

I wasn't necessarily looking forward to reading it.  Not because of the topic, I just don't like dealing with physical books.  But, I'm tired so might as well go full old school.

I open the book to a page of four quotes - two from the New Testament, one from Yeats, and one from Leonard Cohen.  Yes, Leonard Cohen.

No offense meant to Jesus and Yeats, but it was Cohen's words that floored me:

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in. 

For those of you familiar with Cohen's music, you might remember these lyrics from his song Anthem. I haven't even started reading the book, but I'm already flowing down the river of introspection to the ocean of relief. Yeah, I'm corny like that.

Reading those words - there's so much truth and wisdom - packed in those 4 little lines. 

• Ring the bells that still can ring.  Focus on what I have control over.
• Forget your perfect offering.  Nothing in this world is without fault. Accept it and move on.
• There is a crack in everything. We're all broken. Accept it and move on. 
• That's how the light gets in.  Only by facing the brokenness do we learn how to be better.  And not just generically better, but better in areas that actually matter.

Maybe this cluster of a year (or past few years) is really a blessing.  The hard times have made me really sit down and think about what's important in life.  What's important about me.  Made me evaluate what type of life I really want to have.

Maybe we can realize that the light coming up over the horizon isn't a nuclear mushroom cloud, but an understanding of how we can be better as a society and a country.

Maybe there is reason to be joyful, hopeful and happy during this time of emotionally draining muck in this country.

Maybe we just needed to let the light in.  Apparently, a truckload of extra strength light. 

And, maybe, just maybe...  I might actually read this book.

Why do you need to know this?

I just want to live my life.  I don’t want to talk about things with people when I feel it has absolutely no bearing on anything.  There are things I consider on a “need to know” basis.  Think I’m kidding?  Talk to my mom.  She thinks talking to me is like talking to brick wall that’s been plastered over with concrete and left in a vault at Ft Knox.

For some reason, people feel like they have a right to ask questions.  

An Example: my ear has decided it no longer wants to work appropriately and, as any normal person would do, I went to see the doctor this week at the walk in clinic at work.

I walk in and am handed a clipboard with some pages on it.  “Fill out these pages.”

I start reading through the questions figuring it had to do with past medical history and any meds the doctor should know about.

This is a sampling of what I found across 4 pages.  Yes.  FOUR pages.

• “What’s your level of personal stress?”  Was fine until I got this 4 page survey, of which only 25% dealt with my medical history.
• “What’s your level of stress at your job?” See previous response.
• “Do you have feelings of hopelessness?” I do while filling out this survey.
• “Do you sleep at night?” I may not as I feel my personal privacy has been violated beyond what it needs to be.

Oh, then finally this beauty - 

• “Which response best describes this statement: My partners and I use condoms: [Always], [Occasionally], [in monogamous relationship], or [Not having sex/does not apply]?”

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY EAR?!   What does ANY OF THIS have to do with my ear?

PSA:  If sex has anything to do with your ear YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!! Or, you have some weird fetish thing that I don’t want to know about, but you consider therapy.

On some weird adult level, I get it. People are asking questions to make sure they are looking out for me.  But, I’m a grown ass adult. I’m just here for my ear, not a gynecological exam.

I’m not in pain, I'm not bleeding.  I’m not dizzy, lightheaded, or otherwise think I’m Marie Antoinette (but I do believe in eating cake).

Just stick the lighty-thing in my ear, tell me it's an infection (or some weird wax buildup), and let me know what I need to do to make it better. 

That’s all I need.

It’s all you should need, too.

Dear Fellow Christians

I’m ticked at you too.

I shake my head and pray to God when I see some of your social media posts.  You scream about this being a country built on Christianity.  No, it was a country built on immigrants.  This is a country built on allowing people to believe what they want to believe.  This country was founded on FREEDOM, including religion.  This includes freedoms for agnostics, atheists, Hindus, Muslims, Wiccans, and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Just because things aren’t going the “christian way”, doesn’t change that one iota.

Here’s a history lesson for you - “In God We Trust” wasn’t put on our money until 1861.  Theodore Roosevelt tried to remove it in 1907.  TEDDY ROOSEVELT.  Later in the 1950s it was accepted as our national motto.  We went almost 200 years without it.  Two.  Hundred.  Years.  How on God’s Green Earth did we make it that long???

And, to top it off, “Under God” wasn’t added to the pledge until that same timeframe.

So, I have to ask - why are you so concerned about America being a Christian nation anyways?  Is not our treasures outside of this world?  Are we not called to carry the cross that He did?  Are we not called to be persecuted for His sake?

Are we not called to be apart from this world regardless of the consequences?

People have been martyred for our faith - fed to lions, strung up on poles, beheaded, burned at the stake or beaten.  None of which has happened in the US, at least not to heterosexual, caucasian, male, protestant christians.  Some outside that demographic haven’t been so lucky.  So, maybe you should think about that before getting too uppity about not being able to have a “Christmas” party at a school.

In the end, what are you so afraid of anyway?  The unknown?  Loss of your faith?  Children drifting off to join the CoFSM?  

Doesn’t the phrase “Fear not” show up in the Bible about 87 times?  Matthew 10:31 - “Fear Not, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows.”  

So why are you worrying?  Why are you pushing?  Why are you digging your heels in over a civic government entity? Why create more of a hostile environment for people who are already dealing with a world of hostility?

Yes, I know we are called to conversion and to be His hands and feet. But those hands and feet shouldn't be kicking and slapping people who don’t agree.  We should be the hands and feet that are working the fields, serving the poor and healing the sick.

So stop worrying about something that isn’t of our concern.  America wasn’t founded as a nation “under God” - this is a nation founded against tyranny.

Don’t undo that by making Him a Tyrant.